Note From The President, Cerebus 233, August 1998

Copyright 1998 Dave Sim


Child-proof cigarette lighters. Now there's an idea that got passed into law somewhere before anyone asked me how I would vote. I can sort of understand it in Canada, but how the heck did it happen in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Self-Indulgent? Child-proof lighters. What about those of us who don't have kids? Why are we having to push in those little idiot buttons? Was this really that big a problem in the first place? How many kids go up in flames every year?

Child-proof cigarette lighters. Hey, maybe they could make some of the old lighters again and just really, really control them. Like, you have to have a license to get a real Bic lighter. Maybe a ten-day waiting period and no criminal priors on your record. I don't know. Maybe we could all go out to some arena somewhere and you could have all these guys standing by with fire extinguishers, and if you can light ten cigarettes in a row without setting fire to your hair or your clothes, then you get the license for the real Bic.

Child-proof cigarette lighters.

Give me strength.

Hey, Janet Reno. Here's a great idea. How about the ATFCL? "Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Cigarette Lighters." Hey, now we're happening. No way that we can hurt ourselves now. We've just received word that there's some nut down in Texas who's holed up in some compound, and he's stockpiling non-child-proof cigarette lighters. He must have ten thousand of the bastards by now. Here's the plan. Nobody goes in and nobody leaves, okay? If he makes any sudden moves, shoot first and ask questions later.

Child-proof cigarette lighters. I mean, you've gotta love it.

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